Live Life Blessed

For several months when I awake in the morning my hands are stiff and hurt.  It is hard to open my hands as they are stuck and ache with pain.  Once I get them moving the pain slowly goes away and then comes the task of getting out of bed.  As my feet hit the floor, the pain of the soles of my feet shoot through my body, I walk crooked like I am a ninety year old women as my knees, back  and neck or stiff and aching.  This too passes the more I move but getting there is hard.  The worst part is the debilitating fatigue and brain fog.  At times I feel like I am going to lose my mind because I cannot think straight and the depression is overwhelming.  When the noise gets loud it is overwhelming in my head and I wonder to myself am I going crazy.  My head pounds with pain intermittingly throughout the day and my face constantly itches.   My nerves are at their limit and my attitude is short.   I continue to keep a smile on the outside but I wonder why do I feel this way, is it all in my head, am I making myself ill always focusing on the way I feel, what can I do to make myself feel better.  As my husband goes to work every day, and I get up only to find myself back in bed before noon, feeling such guilt wondering maybe I am just lazy.  So I tell myself maybe I need exercise or possibly I have a vitamin deficiency, I try to get in the sun and exercise.  The symptoms continue to get worse and I find myself in a major depression not knowing how to get out of this downward spiral.  Each morning I pray to God to give me a diagnosis and make me feel better.  Friends and family ask me if I have gotten a job and I smile and say not yet but deep down inside I wonder how I could work and keep it all together.  I believe my family and friends think it is all in my head so I keep it to myself and continue to pray, besides focusing on the negative is not going to get me better, either.   After numerous doctor visits, and crying in many of their offices finally I received a diagnosis that I have Systemic Lupus.  The diagnosis was a relief to finally know what was wrong with me yet made me angry and sad that I had yet another hurtle to deal with in my life.  So I cried, yelled at God “why me” and then finally accepted that this is just another way to make me strong.  I wonder if this was presented to me to help others with this disease and perhaps it helps me understand what it is like to have a chronic illness as so many people in this world suffer from everyday.  Perhaps I am supposed to show the world how you can turn around by looking at the positive of this.  My skin will glow as I will never be a sun goddess again living in Florida since the sun flairs Lupus.  Each day I will appreciate life even more to be alive and living in this wonderful world.

 I have released my sorrow and anger to God and I am ready to live my best life with God by my side and being a blessing to others.  I truly believe that God puts obstacles in our way for a reason and I know there are bigger and better things on the horizon for me.  I have jumped over this hurtle, the door is closed and I can’t wait to see the new door open.  I am excited to have this behind me and to start taking care of my body the way I should have a long time ago.  I am so ready to live life to the fullest and see where our awesome God takes me.  I know that I will be a blessing to others and I am stronger than I have ever been. 

I would like to thank my friends and family, especially my husband for standing by me through these past months and putting up with me J.  Our God is an awesome God and I am truly blessed with wonderful friends from all over the world and I have a fabulous family…what more can a girl ask for.

May God bless you!

Melissa